61st issue, May 2003
GOING TO WAR
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Ladonia has an allied: the castle of Christinehof in the south of Sweden and the staff of Gallery Tapper-Popermaier (Gallery situated in Malmoe and Christinehof). All our plans of war will be presented in an exhibition starting on the 5th of July. No trouble showing everything for Swedish spies. They will be unable to understand the complexity of our invasion.
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| Ant 1 by Kicki. | Ant 2 by James. |
The banknote is an effective weapon in the war against the Swedes. We will soon start exchanging them in Sweden, quickly making Sweden go bankrupt.
As we are beyond money problems we have also started to buy extremely expensive object. The state secretary bought the Sun. Everyone using the sun from the 1st of June has to pay a small fee.
Anyone is allowed to use the banknote. It must, though, be authorized by the Ladonian administration either by signature or PIN code. You can also sign it yourself, referring to the statement of Lord Joergen, minister of offense: *if* we decide to try to take control over all the monitary systems in the world, then everyone should be allowed to sign. And I do mean everyone.
 5 billiion oertug (front) |
 5 billiion oertug (back) |
As you may all be aware, these are sad times for YS-ers (Yellow Snowers) worldwide. Spring is relentless in her efforts to make YS a thing of the past, something for the children to read about in history books and see educational programs about on Discovery Channel. Others rejoice and have their hearts filled with sunshine at the sight of returning bird life and flowers and plants making their way through the white/yellowish surface that once covered the grounds nationwide, but for us YS-ers it is indeed a sad time. Were it not for the availability of eternal ice and snow at the glaciers and the occasional mid-summer snow storm, I fear many a YS-er would not make it through the warm season. Every year we grow weaker, our numbers decrease and our spirits are not as high as they once were.
BUT, hope is eternal. Thoughts of Glaciers and Fanta leaves no eye dry and no soul untouched. modern times may have provided us with indoor plumbing and global warming, but it has also given us refrigeration and soft drinks in all shades of yellow. In the words of my grandfather; “It has not yet happened that the rain has not stopped falling” and I know in my heart it is true for spring giving way to summer who in turn is ravaged by sweet autumn and calm, thunderous Winter.
We shall prevail!
Winter shall again rule the world, and snow shall be yellow
For about this there should be no doubt, fellow ministers, Spring is but a phase any youthful planet must go through on her way to the winter of her days.
We shall again write our names in the snow outside our ski cabins (those of us with short names, that is. Others may wish to write their initials only) and the people will rejoice throughout the Kingdom!”
Amen
Den Kongelige Ladonske Republikks Ambassade i Bergen
Per Cod
Ambassadør
A Ladonian, a Swede and a Dane are in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when Saudi police rush in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the
booze, they are all sentenced to death!
However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment.
By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.
As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced:
"It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The Dane was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying
with pain.
The Swede was next up. After watching the Dane in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Swede was soon led away whimpering loudly (as they do).
The Ladonian was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", the Ladonian replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave". The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. “And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheikh asked.
The Ladonian replied: "Tie the Swede to my back."
WAAAALLLL!
Fellow ministers, members of the cabinet, nobles and commoners of Ladonia.
With great honor I hereby announce the opening of the Ladonian Embassy in Ft Lauderdale Florida,
The following information is provided for the consular protection of Ladonian Nationals who are either visiting the United States or who are resident here.
Important note: The Consulate cannot provide Consular Protection to holders of Dual Ladonian citizenship and countries including: Afghanistan, Turkmenistan, Iraq, Iran, Egypt, Syria, Saudia Arabia, North Korea, Sri Lanka, Jordan, Yemen, Oman, or to country groups including Q, S, W, Y, Z, Pakistan, Haiti, Cuba or the People's Republic of China.
In the event of local difficulties, the Consulate can do the following:
If Arrested
Contact you within 24 hours after notification of arrest and visit you in custody as soon as is possible thereafter; provide a list of local lawyers; give advice on local procedures; liaise with local authorities to provide doctors if necessary and notify next-of-kin if desired.
In the event of a serious illness or accident (when friends / relatives are unavailable):
Contact the hospital within 24 hours of notification; ask the Foreign & Commonwealth Office to contact next-of-kin; if the hospital is near Ft Lauderdale Florida we can visit you within one day, otherwise two days or more.
Death
Ask the Foreign & Commonwealth Office to notify next-of-kin immediately and give advice about arrangements for the burial or the repatriation of remains. We have made arrangements with TransWorld Benefits of Irvine California to provide repatriation services. Please contact http://twbi.com for additional information on repatriation of rremains.
Financial Assistance
Contact friends / relatives / banks to transfer money in emergencies.
Lost Passport
Issue emergency passport for one-way travel to Ladonia.
Repatriation
Contact friends / relatives to transfer funds to pay for repatriation. As a last resort, and provided that certain strict criteria are met, make a repayable loan in exceptional circumstances for repatriation to Ladonia. There is no law that states the Consulate must provide Repatriation services, and the Consul will need to be satisfied that there is absolutely no one else who can help.
What the Consulate CANNOT do:
Provide money for payment of bills or other expenses
Obtain employment or accommodation for you
Make travel bookings
Intervene in court proceedings
Get you out of prison
Get better treatment for you in hospital or prison than is provided for local nationals
Investigate a crime
Offer legal advice
Provide free interpretation or translation services
What the Consulate may do:
We may on application grant asylum to:
* Intergalactic travelers
* Extra-terresterial visitors
* Time travelers
* Interdimensional visitors
Bad attitudes, raising ones voice in anger or the mere emanation of negative waves is NOT tolerated. Individuals breaking these rules will be physically removed from embassy premises and taken to Everglades National Park to suffer painful and embarassing mosquito torture.
Please note:
The Ladonian consulate is not affiliated with the International Red Cross or other humanitarian organizations. All services must be pre-paid as the Ladonian remony does not provide free services. Ladonia exists through the free will of the people, for the good of the people and upholds the freeman's rights to avoid taxation by unreasonable and wasteful government entities. Reasonable and prudent service charges should be assumed in all dealings with the consulate. Bribes, other than good wishes without monetary value are not acceptable in any form.
Additional information will be posted as it becomes available.
Baron Lee Von Braunstein
Minister of Postal Services, Ladonia
Just after the introduction of the Embassy this happened:
We received 5 intergalactic refugees late last evening at the Ladonian consulate here in Ft Lauderdale.
I do not know how they found out about our asylum processes, unless they monitor our cabinet listening post.
I have attached an image of the visitors, which they brought from Trxns Rocks.
Has anyone seen any of these people before?
Their application stats that they were forced to work as slave laborers in the Libidium mines on Trxns Rocks.
Baron Lee Von Braunstein
Minister of Postal Services, Ladonia
This email has been provided as a free service to those of you living in areas
where telepathic reception is either prohibited or currently unavailable.
In some areas ground service mail may be used in cases where preferred telepathic or email delivery services fail.
This notice has been posted in accordance with recently enacted protocols, service level minimums and
correspondence agreements of the Ladonian Embassy, RiverLand Branch, Ft Lauderdale Florida USA.
Bild: The refugees: For the record, their names are: Monagalo Signato Urangus, Gnareth Fesborth Beng, Humalo Pecora Neth, Usman Gato-Huxman, Morante Tundeg Guatapuma.
-- FRANCISCO JOSÉ DE L"PEZ Y DOMÍNGUEZ --
Por otra parte, querría solicitarle publique como tres primeros miembros de nuestro Real Ejército a los ciudadanos d. Julio Domínguez Romero, como Coronel de Caballería, a dª. María de las Nieves López Domínguez, como Capitán de Caballería de la 1ª Compañía "MENELAO"; y a d. Juan Manuel Domínguez Romero, como Capitán de Infantería de la 1ª Compañía "ENEAS". Asímismo le ruego nos envíe, cuanto antes sea posible, nuestro carnet de identificación militar, en sustitución del civil hasta ahora usado.
Quisiera, a su vez, que se notifique a aquellos que entran a formar parte de la Orden de la Legión de Honor, que son:
-S.M.la Reina Ywonne I Jarl, Gran Cruz (Collar)
-I.S.D.Francisco José de López y Domínguez, General, etc., Gran Cruz (Collar).
-Excmo.S.D.James, Marquis Hartmann of Hartmanburg, Comendador.
-Excmo.S.D.Lars Vilks, Secretario de Estado, Comendador.
-D.Julio Domínguez Romero, Coronel, Comendador.
-Dª.María de las Nieves López Domínguez, Capitán, Cruz de Caballero (Dama).
-D.Juan Manuel Domínguez Romero, Cruz de Caballero.
Se despide en espera de su pronta respuesta y disculpándose de nuevo por la tardanza,
Su seguro Servidor y Amigo,
I.S.D.Francisco José de López y Domínguez, General, etc.
THE ROYAL LADONIAN ARMY IS AGAINST WAR ON IRAQ
Although I am a soldier and chief (under the crown) of an Army (our nation's one), and although I can perfectly understand certain kinds of war, I, and all the Army and the Ladonian Conservative Party, we are against this war, because of the coward way in which it was started (do not forget that Iraqi people was tried to be disarmed before this sure attack), because it is said that this is a preventive war, a stupid concept, because wars are told to be invasions or defences, not preventions; because of the pacific and non invader character of our Army (under permission of the Cabinet)...As I said, I, as Chief and General of our Army, declare myself against, because no cause justifies any death.
We soldiers are to march, to make our medals shine in Honour of our country, and to let our country be invaded ONLY by ocean waves. If our country has to disappear, then be because constant kisses of our beloved sea. That which destroy us, can also destroy our enemies, but we will always be toward peace in our country.
LONG LIVE LADONIA.
Try: www.darwinawards.com and then click the link Duct Tape Teacher in Honorable Mentions :-)
Duct tape is also the latest trick to combat warts. You simply kill the wart by tight duct tape. "Very efficient" says Lisa, american soldier, nurse and mother of two. Also neighbour to State Graphic Vera Porad.
And of course we have the expert minister, Hunter Tammaro, Minister of Duct Tape and High Voltage
http://www.ducttape.tk
Duct Tape Day is August 12!
/Dr Emanuel von Bock, Minister of Health, Ladonia.
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Vera Porad Falk, Executive Editor
Lars Vilks, Secretary of State of Ladonia
Lars Vilks
Box 1
S-260 43 Arild
Sweden
© Copyright 1996 - 2003 Lars Vilks, Vera Porad Falk and Arrive Inter Media
Created: 2003-05-08