ELECTIONS
The election for a new president is now starting. The election is for about two months open to all citizens of Ladonia. When voting send an e-mail to the state secretary using the e-mail below. You will need to
1. write your name
2. your citizen number (if you don’t remember it, you can use only the name, it will be checked in the list of citizen by the administration
3. the name and/or the number of the candidate you have chosen. will start in a couple of days.
Vote here - lars.vilks@swipnet.se
1) Countess Kicki Hankell, she is vice president and Minister of Guardian Angels.
2) Phil the Rock is a rock and has been found by Lisa Minister of Mythological Beasts.
3) Sandra Bonard, she is from Spain, 24 years old and work with computers.
4) Oscar Espinosa is living in Argentina.
5) Nelson Pervaz is from Pakistan.
6) Lord Medicus Heribert, Germany, quoting Glenn Capps "Everyone is for progress, yet nobody is for change", and Kant: "The best way to predict the future is to invent it").
7) Ivan Boryagin from Russia.
8) Batistini Sport Shirt not Wrinkling & Red Rubber Thongs (Shoes) This is our popular candidate “Shirt & Thongs”, connecting a certain shirt presented by Minister Lord Jorgen from Sweden and thongs by Minister Chris Mansell from Australia.
9) Daniel Jiménez (Spain): “Dear citizens, cabinete and queen of Ladonia: I present you my candidacy for president of this fantastic state. I want you to be able to see Ladonia better, I want Ladonia to be recognized in Europe primarily but also in the world .
One of my electoral promises will be to create the international cabinet of the Ladonia´s citizens where they will be represented by an ambassador of the state where they live. These ambassadors will be elected by the Ladonian in all the countries where there are some Ladonian. Therefore all the Ladonia´s citizens are going to have the right to vote.”
10) Lorenzo Fiore from Italy: “After a long period of illness, now I'm ready to candidate myself as the next Ladonia's President in competition with Countess Kicki.
I propose also to estabilish a new ministry: the "Ministry of mysterious things that live behind the fridge". I propose myself as the new Minister, of course. ’Nulli Secundi’”
11) Count Per Von Nordensson, Sweden, claims that he has among many other things built the Chinese Wall. But he also says he hasn’t.
12) Zack Albun, he is from USA: “As a Citizen of Ladonia, I believe that the common man, or woman, or animal, or inamtimate object, must have a voice in this great nation. That is why as a Citizen of Ladonia, I hereby nominate myself, Zack Albun, common citizen, to be president. As well, i realize my chances of attaining the office ar slim so I support another candidate for nomination. American film critic Leonard Maltin. Leonard knowledge of nearly every motion picture ever created is the clearly the best weapon for the war in Sweden and I believe he could lead Ladonia to eternal glory.” (Maltin cannot participate as he is not a Ladonian citizen)
13) Vladimir Oravsky He is from East Europa living since many years in Sweden. He has been director of cultural matters in Umeå. His book “The Happy Occupation” deals with cultural matters in Sweden.
14) Patrik Hallberg, from Sweden: “O YES”
15) The Void, (which is a void) a candidate presented by Minister of Yellow Snow Per Cod.
The old banknote on 500 000 000 000 Oertug has expired. They can still be exchanged in Ladonia National Bank until 31st of January. The new banknote has been created by Minister James Hartman.
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“Why on earth would anyone want to annex Gary you might ask?
Well, the fact is... of any land in the US, Gary is probably the one chunk you might have a chance at talking the US into giving away, just because it's more of a pain in the butt than it is an asset.
Why would you want to claim a town that is essentially a wart on the behind of Indiana, which is, in it's own right, only slightly above Arkansas and West Virginia in hillbilliness?
Gary has ridiculously cheap land and housing because no one wants to live there. (In some areas, 2000 sq ft homes sell for $5,000 USD)
It has at least three steel mills I can think of, and two of them are shut down, but not inoperable (It's just too expensive to pay Union labor vs buying steel from overseas). It has an international port, an airport capable of landing international flights and military aircraft, substantial infrastructure, a minor league baseball stadium, lovely beaches (perfect for throwing stones - plus we have these neat stones with holes in the middle of them), tons of fresh water, and most importantly...Casinos! (I've played SimCity...I know how nice Casinos are to your city government's bottom line!)
Think about it... there are literally dozens and dozens of consecutive city blocks that have nothing but derelict and abandoned buildings that could be bulldozed to make room for greenhouses and artscapes! (We could grow our own vanilla!)
So if Gary has such great infrastructure, why isn't it doing better?
I think Gary is hamstrung by state and federal laws. I think businesses and citizens could be attracted to live in the city if the laws were structured in a way that was business friendly and rewarded productive citizenry by making it fiscally unappealing to be a slacker.
Businesses = Jobs = Productive Citizens = Increased Consumerism = Booming Economy = More Businesses = More Jobs, etc
More importantly, why does Carolyn care about this topic anyway?
Because generally, I'm bored, I spent a lot of money on political science at the university so I'd like to be able to say I've done *something* with my education, and it seemed like an interesting mental exercise. I spend a lot of time in my car driving to and from work, and it is something to ponder instead of listening to talk radio. : “
Carolyn
MoGaC
Since the finding, the ministry has received questions on behalf of scientific evidence. We are happy to report that DNA-analysis from one of England's most extinguished laboratories has proved that sample from the ear compared to Van Goghs now living relatives has a match of 99,9 %, which is pretty close being a DNA-test. Several measuring points on the ear, earlobe and the ears physical body has also been investigated and compared to pictures of Van before he sliced his ear. Comparison of size, weight, pigmentation and special markings and looks has also been done. Even comparison in the passport and drivers license archives has been executed. In this comparisons we have performed rigorous investigations for relatives such as Van Goghs mother, father, uncle, sisters, cousins, granddaughters and sons. The pigmentation of the uncovered ear was somewhat of a mystery at first. As many of you no doubt noticed Van Goghs ear bears a remarkable likeness to a colored (African-American) mans ear (pigmentation). This has lead to many theories, one states that Van Gogh indeed had one black ear and thus had some bloodline in his family stretching back to Africa and the slave trades. The theory also states that he was so ashamed about this fact that he eventually cut off his dark ear. This theory was on the other hand formed by a paranoid formed Israeli member of the Israeli parliament, so we shouldn't put to much trust into that. Another theory was that Vincent accidentally had the ear deep frozen and that it turned black from that. Vincent was overly indulging in drinking hard liquor at times and once he was reported to have fallen asleep up against a radiator (thus he's wrinkled forehead) and ant another time fell asleep half inside his freezer. And that's how the theory of his blackened ear was formed. The cutting off was merely drawn on by circumstances and had nothing to do with the evil rumors about psychic illness. He was merely a bit rude and socially challenged, so to speak. But who isn't when hung-over and never having enough money and not willing to take a "proper job" as Vincent's mother repeatedly was reported to say to Van when he tried becoming the highest paid artist in the world... Isn't that typical mothers, by the way? Some say Vincent cut off the ear after talking to his friend Sigmund (Freud). Sigmund told Vincent that he had a mother-complex and since Vincent's mother always was grabbing Vincent by his ear when he was a kid, Vincent cut it off after a particular hard night of Mescal. So in fact it was Freud's fault (which it always is - it's either Freud's fault or it was the Butler who did it).
So, to conclude after this little sidetracking, Vincent's ear was found in a swedish bag of candy. And that can lead us to suspect that the (foul) swedes stole it and have had it stashed away hidden for decades on end. Only that is subject enough for going to War with them. So, not only have the Ministry made an epoch-making find - we have also found yet another reason to the Ladonian Warfare against sweden.
An interesting parallel is contemporary passport images that today has to show one ear clearly visible. That would have been Vincent's misfortune... Some of our investigators at the Ministry say that this has actually a clear relation to Van Goghs now world famous self-portrait all wrapped up in bandage after the infamous ear-removal!
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ACT 1 SCENE 1
A sunny day on the shores of Ladonia. A wild eyed lone figure dressed in green with a masses of uncombed hair sits throwing small stones into the calm sea. Plop Beside him there is a large dragonfly (several metres) with the badge of Ladon on his shiny back. It is fanning it's wings. A sculpture of a desktop computer is carved out stone and sits nearby amongst the boulders
Plop. Plop pause plop... etc
Dragon Fly We MUST contact the cabinet.
Green Man Yes you're right. The Guardians of Ladonia are the only beings who can stop this madness. Activate the stone computer. It's the only way.
The dragonfly hops from one boulder to another until he is next to the stone computer... from beneath his body shell he pulls out a long thin green crystal that glows brighter and darker like a beating heart (or the nice little blue light on an Apple PowerBook).....
Deftly using her mandibles, Commander Zirch ducttapes the crystal into a slightly recessed slot on the back of the stone computer. The sun brightens until the shoreline fades into a photo negative for an adverisement from an electronics store. A heavenly choir is heard as a large Atlantic salmon, wearing bifocals, climbs up from the sea.Light returns to normal. Choir fades out.
Large Atlantic Salmon: Who is the Jennifer person? It's only the internet, lads. No reason to fear. What? No! We have an independant ISP.
A small group of small mollusks, who have been creeping, slowly, out of the waves and over the rocks reaches the mossy guy and L.A.S. One shiny whelk stretches its pseudopod to tap the green clad man's sleeve.
S.W. : Excuse me, mister? Ahem! Excuse me, mister?!
Green-Clad Guy: What? Who's there? Eewww? What do you want?
S.W. : We were just wondering if you've made contact with the Ladonian Cabinet yet because, well...
G-C G: Yes, what! and stop touching me with that thing!
S.W. : If you would, sir, there's something they need to know. There are strangers in the ocean.
L.A.S. : Quite right little friends. (Pats Shiny Whelks carapace.) You've all done a brave thing coming here like this. The Cabinet are the only ones who can take care of it.
.......(and) alert them that The Day is upon us."
And so word was spread over the globe to the Ministers.......that dank cabal from whom the Illuminati shrink in trembling incontinence.......that fierce enigmatic cadre of whom the vile followers of Cthulu dare not speak........those inscrutable masters of governance of which more is said than not, who leave you feeling more like you do now than when you came in.
"Yes, our long-dormant plans are now ready to flower like the delicate bouquet from the Queen's sneakers. All is in readiness, and our past gesticulations are but crepitation in the wind compared to what is to follow," he said.
"The world will not know what hit it, boyeee."
Scene 2
Meanwhile …..Heads of Government are seated round a huge boardroom type table
President of Europe: I am pleased to report that we have achieved our economic targets. European countries and American states have remained fully saturated with cars for two years. The average figure is stable at 1.36 cars for every two people. We now move onto phase two Project Gridlock - we MUST increase the car to people ratio in other countries.
Poor Head of State In our country the ration is 1 car to 8000 citizens but we must concentrate on health and education programmes first.
President of Europe You must appear to do this but the real agenda must still be cars. To achieve Phase 2 targets you must have more and more cars.
President of USA More cars! More cars! 8000:1 is completely unacceptable - you must be the worst country on the face of the planet
Poor Head of State No! No! We are not. There is one other that is worse
President of USA Worse than you?!
Poor Head of State Yes - yes
President of USA Who, where ?
Poor Head of State LLLLL Ladonia
President of USA La-what?
Poor Head of State Ladonia – they have a ratio of ten thousand citizens to no cars!
President of USA Get me an immediate intelligence report on Ladonia. Where the **** is it anyway?
Intelligence person It’s in Scandinavia. We’ve been monitoiring their Parliament’s email activities and they appear to be using some sort of elaborate code….
Evil/Fascistic Intelligence Person: Ah, yesss. Laaah-dohnia. A bad land. Heh-heh. They believe verrrry strange thingssss there.
Pres of USA: Really? Like what?
E/F Intelligence Person: Well, oddly, they seem to honestly believe that human beings actaully matter.
Pres of USA: What?! Just on their own? As individuals?! Balderdash and hogwash. Sheep dip too!
E/F Intelligence Person: No, they really think separate human beings matter.
PoUSA: Off with his/her head! And while we're at it, send some more young people far away to a place they're not wanted and let them be killed. What? It'll make the morning papers. Heh, like anyone here still reads...
Chorus:
Put it off! Put it off!
You could do it now
You could do it now
but why would you
if you can
Put it off! Put it off!
Tomorrow is another day
Is something we've heard someone say
It makes our poor hearts very gay
and then we sing our lovely lay
(Chorus, rpt)
Bury ideas in persiflage
hide your crap in our garage
work is sadly a mirage
and in our hearts is writ large
(Chorus, rpt)
(here the first part is ending, if you, the reader has any suggestions concerning the ongoing text please send this to the state secretary)
Responsible for the exhibition will be Minister of Swiss Army Methods, curators and semaphores Martin Schibli, the Minister of Art & Jump Fredrik Larsson and state secretary Lars Vilks. Contributing Ministers Chris Mansell, Tim Neale, Lisa Johnson, Carolyn Shelby, Vassilis Roumeliotis, Taru Salmenkari, Countess Kicki Hankell, Lord Jörgen, Per Cod , Marquis James Hartman.
A word from our Minister of Health
The Minsiter of Health wishes you all a very healthy and prosperous winter. Always go with the light.
Emanuel von Bock, Minister of Health.
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CONTACT INFORMATION
Please, send Corrections to the .You can send us e-mail or use the adress below.
Vera Porad Falk, Executive Editor
Lars Vilks, Secretary of State of Ladonia
Lars Vilks
Box 1
S-260 43 Arild
Sweden
© Copyright 1996 - 2004 Lars Vilks, Vera Porad Falk and Arrive Inter Media
Created: 2004-02-10